Family, Loss & Grief, Uncategorized

Going Home For Christmas

In a few weeks I will be traveling up North to visit my family for the holidays.  I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, but I’m also sort of dreading it because this is going to be TOUGH for me.   This will be the first time I have been back home since Grandma died.

Of course I went home for Grandma’s funeral last year, because I would not have missed that for the world.  But I have stayed hidden away from my hometown, my family, and everything that brings back memories for me because I am not yet able to handle the powerful emotions of sadness, grief, and longing that come with being there now that Grandma and my beloved house are gone.  Last year I actually spent Christmas alone here in Florida away from my family (my friend Amanda came and stayed with me since she wasn’t able to go home to Minnesota to be with her family at Christmas).  That was the first time ever in my 36 years of living that I had ever spent Christmas away from my family, so that’s how you KNOW I was in a lot of pain.

It is going to be HARD being back home with my family at Christmas without Grandma there, without being able to go home to my familiar old house, and without our normal family Christmas traditions that always took place at our house.  I already know there is no way I will be able to handle even going anywhere near the Western half of town where our house stands.  I know without a doubt that there is no way I will be able to go near or even look at my old house knowing that someone else lives there now and that it is no longer my home; it would literally tear me apart.  Since I no longer have a family home to come home to, I will be traveling around between three different towns two hours apart in distance and visiting my father and two of my aunts/uncles and their children.  Since we no longer have Grandma’s house to gather in for the holidays, my relatives will be having various small gatherings at their own homes.  I’m looking forward to meeting and petting my father’s EIGHT cats: Dixie, Dweezil, Axel, Baby Tiger, Millie, Buzz, Bustoff, and Miss Kitty.  He’s nuts. LOL

I’ve had several old friends from back home contact me and tell me that they want to get together and see me while I’m home.  But for some reason, I just don’t feel up to it. I just want to stick around my family while I’m home.  Maybe in another year or more from now I’ll feel more up to opening myself up and being around more people and going back to old familiar places without feeling such intense pain and grief.

Whenever I leave town for an extended period of time, I hire my friend Emilie to come over and take care of Lexi and my home in my absence.  She’s one of the select FEW people here in SoFla who I trust to be in my home when I’m away, and she does an amazing job.

While I’m back home up North, I may take a trip to the cemetery to visit Grandma’s grave.  I KNOW that will be difficult for me. I most definitely miss her presence during this time of the year. 😞

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