I recently started up another new blog, which you are already aware of if you are one of my followers on WordPress. This new blog is all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the ordeals I went through as a child growing up with a biological mother who had a very malignant case of NPD. Starting a blog all about my childhood ordeals with my Narcissistic mother is something I have been wanting to do for quite awhile since discovering that she has the disorder and stumbling upon blogs written by other people who have parents with the disorder.
Interestingly, it took more than 30 years for me to realize that my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I always knew she was mentally ill ever since I was a young child, but I never knew exactly what she was afflicted with. It wasn’t until I had the misfortune of being ensnared by another textbook Narcissist a few years ago that I was suddenly introduced to the term and then realized that this was also what my biological mother had.
While I will definitely be sharing this particular story on my blog about NPD, I wanted to share it here on my personal everyday blog as well, because this story is just absolutely out-of-this-world insane and scary and needs to be shared far and wide. This may get a little long, and I will try to keep it as short and concise as possible….but let me tell you, there is A LOT of craziness to fit into this post. By the time you are finished reading it all, your jaw will be hanging down to the floor in shock. In order to better view the larger image files you will see in this blog post, click on the images to view the files in their full size.
For the purposes of this blog post, I will refer to the Narcissist as “Dandy”, because if you have ever watched any of the series “American Horror Story: Freak Show”, then you are likely familiar with the character of Dandy Mott:
Well this guy is literally the actual real life version of Dandy Mott: A handsome, educated, wealthy, spoiled, effeminate, psychotic, emotionally-stunted Mama’s Boy spoiled brat born with a silver spoon up his ass….a nausea-inducing combination of Norman Bates and Patrick Bateman, if you will. He even looks almost identical to Dandy Mott!! He basically IS Dandy, so that’s why I refer to him as “Dandy” anymore. And just like the fictional Dandy Mott, the real Dandy is 30+ years old and still lives with his Mother in his parents’ mansion. He even has a penchant for walking around in his tighty-whitey underwear just like Dandy Mott, too. But anyway, here’s the story of the crazy Narcissist who caused me to become familiar with the subject of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
About four years ago, right after I moved to Florida, I was out by myself at a downtown nightclub bar one evening while waiting to meet someone there. The friend I was waiting to meet there never showed up, but some friendly strangers walked up to me and introduced themselves. Two of those strangers were Dandy and his friend Brandon. Both Brandon and Dandy were handsome, but I thought Dandy was particularly cute. He told me that he had recently graduated from law school in New Orleans and was now back home in SoFla preparing to take the Florida Bar Exam. He also told me that both of his parents were immigrants and that he was half Iranian and half Irish.
I spent the rest of the night hanging out with Dandy, and over the course of the night he had WAY too much to drink and became extremely intoxicated. I attempted to drive him home in my car, but he was too inebriated to tell me where he lived and was on the verge of passing out. I was also very new to Florida and not very good with directions, either. So I put him in a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the address listed on his driver’s license. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see Dandy again after that night, but then I discovered that he had dropped his cell phone in my car. So I took his phone home with me, charged the battery for him, and called a few people in his phone the next morning to arrange to get it returned to him. I even put my own number in it so that he could contact me again if he wanted to.
He was very grateful to me for getting his phone returned to him and apologized profusely for putting me in the position of having to look after him after drinking too much, and we became friends after that. I also became good friends with Dandy’s friend Brandon, who I also met the same night that I first met Dandy, and Brandon and I are still friends to this day. Dandy and I hung out together downtown a few times, and I noticed that he was always pulling me up close to him and kissing my head literally every few minutes. I found this to be quite odd and inappropriate considering that we were just new friends who barely knew each other, but I figured that was just the alcohol making him act super affectionate. He seemed to be a bit of a heavy drinker from what I observed. In fact, right after he passed the Florida Bar Exam, he was arrested and plead guilty to a DUI charge, and then later tried to cover it up and hide it from everyone. He even paid money to have his jail mugshot removed from the internet.
It wasn’t long at all after meeting Dandy that things began to get really weird. The first weird occurrence happened shortly after Dandy and I friended each other on Facebook. Dandy found me on Facebook and added me as a friend, which was totally fine.
Then not long after that, I received a friend request on Facebook from Dandy’s mother.
I was immediately confused and a little creeped out by this. I had never met Dandy’s mother and didn’t know her at all. I found it extremely odd that the mother of some guy I had only recently met who was nothing more than a casual acquaintance to me would look me up and send me a friend request on Facebook. Especially when she didn’t know me at all.
I hesitated to accept her friend request, and I mentioned it to Dandy first. When I informed him that his mother had sent me a friend request on Facebook, he merely answered “Oh, I’m think she’s just learning how to use the old contraption, haha!” But his mother was definitely not new to Facebook. Her profile timeline went several years back, and she even had TWO accounts. So she definitely knew how to use Facebook. I hesitated, but I went ahead and accepted her friend request anyway, since it was Dandy’s mother and I figured it was safe to add her.
Dandy’s mother sending me a friend request on Facebook was only the beginning. Very soon after that, I was bombarded with friend requests from dozens of Dandy’s closest friends and relatives from all over the country….about twenty people total. Some of them were local here in SoFla, and some of them were all the way in New Orleans and New York! Again, I did not know ANY of these people….I had never met any of them nor even spoken to any of them in my entire life. And yet here they were sending me friend requests on Facebook….sometimes three or four different people sending me friend requests in a single day!!!! To say that I was alarmed and creeped out would be an understatement. After awhile I broke down and asked Dandy why all of these friends of his were sending me Facebook friend requests. He didn’t give me an answer. I kept thinking to myself that Dandy MUST have been talking about me to all of these people in order for them to be looking me up and sending me friend requests on Facebook….there could be no other reason for it since they were all total strangers to me. The only question was WHAT exactly he had been saying about me to them.
The three friend requests I received that freaked me out the most were from his older sister in New York, his much older brother in Maryland, and his cousin in Maryland. Again, I did not know any of these family members of his. And what freaked me out the most about receiving friend requests from these three people was that I received them all on the same day…within mere seconds of each other….on the day that they were all in Maryland for Dandy’s cousin’s funeral. This made absolutely NO sense to me whatsoever. He and his entire family were gathered out of state to mourn the passing of a young relative of theirs, and yet here they were looking me up on Facebook and sending me friend requests….and I was a total stranger to them. I mean seriously, who Facebook creeps total strangers during a FUNERAL????
Of course, this time I KNEW that Dandy had something to do with this, because it was just too obvious. So I messaged him and asked him why his sister, brother, and cousin had all sent me friend requests at the exact same time (and it was very obvious that they were playing a little game with me and had closely timed themselves to send me each friend request within a second of me accepting the previous one). Dandy just laughed and answered “They asked me about you.” Although I didn’t call him out on it, I knew there was a little bit of bullshit to that answer. There was no logical reason for Dandy’s siblings and cousins to be asking him about me when
A) None of us had ever met each other
B) They did not know me at all from anyone else
C) Dandy and I were not dating nor in any kind of relationship that would warrant family members asking about me.
I knew he was talking about me to everyone he knew, but I wasn’t sure why.
Again, although I hesitated to do so, I accepted most of these friend requests from Dandy’s friends and family. Although I did not know them and had no idea why they were sending me friend requests, I once again told myself that it would probably be OK to add them since they were Dandy’s friends and family. But something was definitely off with these people. After accepting their friend requests, I messaged a few of them to introduce myself and ask them how they knew me and what had prompted them to send me a request. None of them ever answered me. In fact, only a small handful of them ever spoke to me at all on Facebook. Another small handful immediately began “liking” most of my posts. But the majority of them were just silently lurking there. I told myself that it would be OK to accept these people’s friend requests because they were friends and relatives of Dandy’s. Since Dandy was a friend of mine, I figured they all must be good people, too. But I still had a dark, nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong….that something sinister was going on. Looking back on it now, I should have listened to that gut feeling and not accepted any of those friend requests in the first place.
It took several months for most of these strangers to say anything to me, but after a long introductory bout of silence these new Facebook “friends” of Dandy’s began to interact with me….in some very ODD ways. For example, one of them began randomly sending me funny photos of Dandy along with messages that said “Dandy wanted you to have this photo of him.” Or whenever I would post a status update on Facebook about wanting to go somewhere or try something new, I would receive comments from these various friends of his telling me to take Dandy along with me. Then the constant joking and ribbing began: On a near daily basis I would receive comments on various posts and photos of mine from these people asking when Dandy was going to “man up and ask me out”, making sexual innuendos about me and Dandy hooking up, and all sorts of silliness. Even Dandy began throwing sexual innuendos at me here and there. None of it really bothered me, although I did find it all to be rather juvenile. It mostly just made me very curious and made me wonder what exactly was going on. With all of these strangers who knew Dandy suddenly friending me on Facebook out of nowhere and then constantly mentioning him to me, it gave me the impression that there was something going on that I wasn’t aware of yet.
My suspicions that something was up began to come together when Dandy’s best friend Brennan suddenly asked me if I had ever thought about giving him a chance:
Towards the end of that conversation, I alluded to Brennan that I would be willing to give Dandy a chance if he was open to it. Although I didn’t know Dandy very well, he was cute and he had always been nice to me so far. That answer seemed to make Brennan happy and he told me he planned to mention it to Dandy the next time he saw him and see what he would say about that. But since I didn’t hear anything more about it after that, I assumed that Dandy’s response must not have been positive, and so I never brought it up again.
The plot thickened when one of Dandy’s friends from all the way over in New Orleans actually did respond to my inquiry as to who he was and why he had decided to send me a friend request without knowing me. He told me, “Dandy is one of my oldest friends, and he was talking to me about your affinity for old-school Nintendo games. He sent me a private message telling me you were incredible and then proceeded to send me copies of random conversations the two of you have had. Kind of just came up out of the blue. So I decided to add you since he said you are his favorite friend on Facebook.”
And then sure enough, the guy proceeded to send me a screen capture of Dandy messaging him out of the blue to tell him I was “incredible”, along with a screen capture of my own Facebook wall:
This certainly confirmed my suspicions that Dandy had indeed been talking about me to all of these friends and relatives of his. So now at this point I was thinking, “Alright, Dandy seems to be carrying a torch for me and is too shy to do something about it. Fair enough.” That assessment would likely explain the sudden barrage of friend requests from two dozen of his friends and family members and their constant teasing me about him, would it not?
The plot thickened even further when three of Dandy’s friends took him out one night to celebrate his passing the Florida Bar Exam. And they didn’t just take him out anywhere to celebrate, they specifically brought him to my old bar job to see ME. I even had a heads-up that they were coming to see me, because Dandy texted me that evening before I went to work and told me “Hey, we’re coming to see you tonight!!” This wasn’t even a weekend night, this was on a boring, quiet Tuesday or Wednesday night when the place was pretty much dead and there were hardly any other customers for me to tend to. So I had plenty of free time to give them my undivided attention. At one point, Dandy lead me away from his friends to a corner, sat me down on his lap, and chatted with me about Beavis & Butthead, relationships, and I don’t remember what else. I finally met three of Dandy’s friends in person that night, who were already Facebook friends with me, and they were all very friendly to me and acted as if they had already known me for a long time. Later on I asked one of them whose idea it was for them all to come out to see me that night, and he simply smiled and said “I cannot divulge that information.”
Not long after that, I received another Facebook message out of the blue from Dandy’s best friend Brennan one night urging me to “take the lead and give the guy some ass”. Apparently Dandy and a few of his bros were hanging out at one of their houses drinking that night, and I was the topic of their conversation. And apparently, the topic of that conversation amongst them centered around Dandy’s buddies encouraging him to go over to my place and finally make a move on me:
As you can see from that conversation between me and his friend Brennan, I was trying to explain to Brennan that I didn’t feel quite comfortable taking the lead and making a move on Dandy myself because Dandy had already spent the night at my place TWICE before, and nothing at all happened. The kid slept right next to me in my bed on TWO occasions and barely laid a finger on me. In fact, he TRIED to make out with me when he spent the night at my place, but for some reason he just couldn’t do it. I even felt a vibe from him that he was trying to force himself to get physical with me but that he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. After spending the night at my place twice without touching me at all, I just assumed that he wasn’t at all attracted to me and left it at that. And now here was his friend Brennan messaging me at 9 PM on a Friday night urging me to “be a team player” and make a move on Dandy because he was too shy to do it himself. Whatever….
And since Dandy obviously knew that Brennan was messaging me about hooking up with him, he immediately sent me a text message as soon as Brennan and I had finished our conversation. After the conversation I had just had with Brennan and after all of the goading and encouragement those guys had likely been giving to Dandy that night, I expected Dandy’s text message to me to be something along the lines of, “What are you up to tonight, wanna meet up later?” But nope, instead Dandy sent me this weird meme of a sad looking guy with no penis….basically the same type of weird cock-blocking behavior he had exhibited when he spent the night at my place those two nights before:
On an added note, did you notice how Dandy’s friend Brennan mentioned that Dandy was addicted to porn and that he questions his sexuality? Yeah, keep those two details tucked away in the back of your memory for later in this blog.
As time went on, this silliness from Dandy and his friends increased in frequency. It eventually got to the point where Dandy was constantly posting silly comments on everything I posted on Facebook every single day. He even came up with his own nickname for me that he began calling me all the time, “Good Ol’ JR”, which was a play on the initials of my name and also the nickname of former pro-wrestling announcer Jim Ross. (Dandy was a huge 1980’s WWF wrestling fan, as was I.) The nickname stuck, and even all of Dandy’s friends began referring to me as “JR”, too.
By this point, I was growing evermore confused and somewhat irritated, and was thinking, “Dude, either grow a pair and make a move on me already or just stop all of this adolescent foolishness with your friends. I’m too old for these silly Middle School games.”
Now comes the major turning point in this freaky tale. Up until this point, Dandy and his friends had always showered me with jokes and positive attention. But then suddenly Dandy and his friends stopped being nice to me. Instead, they began watching me like a hawk every day, criticizing every little thing I did and said, and lecturing me as if I were a child. I remember the day it started. I had posted a link to an article on Facebook about women in Afghanistan having their faces burned off with acid for rejecting unwanted male attention, and in the caption above I expressed my horror and disgust at this. Speaking to me in a nasty tone that he had never used with me before, Dandy scolded me for posting the link and accused me of purposely looking for negative news stories just to get myself all riled up. I could read between the lines of what he was trying to tell me, and what he was really trying to say to me was, “Shut up, sit down, keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, and be seen and not heard.”
The criticisms and lectures from Dandy and his friends on Facebook got worse and worse. Dandy and his friends lectured me about everything ranging from my job, the men I went out with, my private sex life, my personality, my hobbies, my habits, EVERYTHING. If I posted about something that Dandy’s friends thought he might disapprove of, they would either tag his name in the comments so that he would be sure to see my post, or they would write comments such as “I wonder what Dandy would have to say about this?” or “I’m sure Dandy wouldn’t approve of this.” It was as if Dandy had now become my parent, and everything I did and said was supposed to be pleasing to him. It soon got to the point where Dandy’s friends would literally SCREAM at me in their Facebook comments and messages to me. It seemed that sometimes Dandy would just silently stand back on the sidelines and let his friends do his dirty work for him by yelling at me and lecturing me.
Dandy’s friend Brennan was the absolute worst about this. Brennan was an arrogant, pompous, old-school Catholic, Ivy-League educated attorney who was newly married and kept his poor wife pregnant every nine months. Despite not knowing me or having never met me, Brennan—with Dandy’s approval—felt that he had some Divine Right from God to scream at me on Facebook about my job, my dating life, my personal views and opinions, EVERYTHING. He even had no hesitation with telling me, a total stranger, that I was “lazy”, that I was a “real piece of work”, and that I “needed a kick in the ass” because I apparently wasn’t “living up to my potential” in his eyes. Jesus fucking Christ, can you imagine what it must be like to be married to this guy?!? If he’s this abusive to a total stranger, I can’t even imagine how he must treat his wife at home!!! And just to give you a better image of just how much of a pompous douche this Brennan douche was, here’s a photo of him with his spiked hair and his usual loud, gay looking, flamboyant colored trousers that are the hallmark uniform of every “I’m A Pompous Rich Douchebag” male throughout Palm Beach County:
Ummmm yeah, it will be a cold day in Hell before I ever let bossy pricks like this to demean me, lecture me, or tell me how to live my own goddamn life. Fuck the fuck right off with that fucking nonsense!!! In fact, here’s an even better idea: Someone should take that baseball bat he’s holding in this next picture and bash his fucking head in with it:
It seemed that no matter what time of the day or night I posted something on Facebook, Dandy and/or his friends would be right there commenting on it only a few seconds later. It was obvious that they were keeping a close eye on my Facebook activity at all times, including while they were at work during the day. Keep in mind that ALL of these guys are lawyers. Lawyers are supposed to have busy workloads, but here they were farting around on Facebook all day long, keeping close tabs on me all day long, and sending me long-winded lectures through Facebook messaging. It made me wonder how any of them got any actual work done during their work hours.
What utterly shocked me the most about all of this weird creepy behavior is that these were not young kids who were doing all of this. These were all high society doctors and lawyers in their 30’s and 40’s….some of them were even married and had families of their own. And yet here they were glued to their computer and iPhone screens watching my every move on Facebook 24/7 so that they could jump all over me and criticize/lecture me and help keep Dandy updated on my whereabouts and activities at all times. Who the Hell has time to do creepy stalker shit like this when you are a busy full-time employed attorney or doctor???? And most of all, WHY would so many grown adults with successful careers and homes and families of their own to focus on choose to spend so much of their time and energy focusing on a complete stranger like me????? It just made absolutely NO sense at all. And it was both scaring the shit out of me and pissing me off greatly.
Also keep in mind that by this point I had only met FOUR of Dandy’s numerous friends in person, and those four did not include the many who were constantly lecturing me and giving me a hard time. So basically, I was enduring constant criticism and lecturing from a bunch of guys who had never even met me in person. Brennan was the worst offender by far, and yet he had a busy law career and a new wife and baby. I cannot for the life of me ever understand why a guy like that with his own life and family would be so obsessed with trying to control and lecture some strange woman he didn’t even know. It made me wonder what his new wife would think of him obsessively stalking and lecturing some other woman online every single day. I’m sure that Dandy was most likely the ringleader and had encouraged all of these friends of his to help keep an eye on me and try to control me by cutting me down and lecturing me, but I just can’t believe that so many grown professional adults would blindly obey someone and do all of his bidding on demand like that!! I mean seriously, if Dandy were to order them all to jump off of a cliff without any type of parachute, would they simply blindly obey that, too??
Of course I did not understand this at the time, but later on I eventually learned in my studies of Narcissistic Personality Disorder that these friends and relatives of Dandy’s who were lurking on my Facebook served a purpose. The term used to describe people such as this in NPD discussion circles is “Flying Monkeys”. The term was coined from the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz who would fly out at the command of the Wicked Witch and do her evil bidding for her. The purpose of flying monkeys when it comes to the issue of NPD is to do the bidding of the Narcissist by keeping an eye on the target (me), provide information about the target to the Narcissist, and, if need be, help disorient and control the target by assisting the Narcissist in bullying or abusing the victim. I wouldn’t become aware of this until much later on, but these people didn’t just randomly add me on Facebook….Dandy TOLD all of these friends and relatives of his to seek me out and add me on Facebook so that he could use them to keep tabs on me and slowly break me down.
Some of their lecturing—particularly Brennan’s—became so out of line that one of my female friends on Facebook noticed it one day and couldn’t help from jumping in and putting them in their place, for which I gave her a nice big round of applause. Go Abbie!!!
Right now you’re probably asking yourselves, “Why didn’t you just delete and block those fucking assholes?!? Why would you allow them to lecture you and talk down to you like that?!?” Well believe me, I was absolutely PISSED OFF that Dandy and his minions thought they had any right to lecture me and tell me how THEY thought I should live and act. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I have ZERO tolerance for other people trying to control me or tell me what kind of person I should be….ESPECIALLY when it’s coming from complete strangers who don’t know me at all and have never even met me. When Brennan and some of their other friends began lecturing me and speaking disrespectfully to me, I had a strong urge to tell them to fuck off and delete them. But since they were Dandy’s close friends, I was trying to not rock the boat and cause any drama by deleting them. So I just bit my tongue and tried to let it slide in order to keep the peace. I’m sure all of us have tried to be the bigger person and done that at one time or another in our lives.
You also have to understand something about Narcissists like Dandy: They are incredibly skilled manipulators. After several months of nonstop lecturing and demeaning me, Dandy and his friends had me beginning to believe that I was a complete failure who couldn’t function on my own and needed their almighty wisdom and guidance in order to live. They deliberately and systematically broke me down until I felt like a stupid, helpless child who needed THEIR constant guidance and direction. That is exactly how Narcissists control other people. I am very familiar with this, because my own biological mother was a malignant Narcissist who controlled me and my brother by relentlessly pounding it into our heads that we were stupid, naive, helpless, and incapable of living as independent adults without her dictating to us every little thing that we must or must not do. Dandy once smugly told me that he could manipulate anyone into doing anything he wanted. Fortunately for me, I already had a strong aversion to being controlled by other people due to having fought against it for many years from my own mother, so it didn’t take long for me to smell what was up with Dandy and his friends and see what was really going on before they sucked me in further. I’m just glad that I was still strong enough to open my eyes and smell the shit that was cooking despite the fact that these friends of his were trying to convince me that it was all “for my own good”.
Another fact you need to understand is that I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which makes it difficult for me to read social cues or catch when someone is being facetious with me. What might be glaringly obvious to another person as bullying or deceitful behavior might sail completely over my head or confuse me. And I suspect that Dandy and his friends knew that something about me was a little different or “off” and that they took advantage of this by making fun of me, ripping me apart, and convincing me that it was “out of kindness” and “for my own good”. To put it more bluntly, Dandy and his friends were like the popular jocks in school who were pretending to be friendly to the retarded kid in Special Ed. just for a joke.
In addition to Dandy and his friends now criticizing and lecturing me all the time as if I were a child in need of parental correction, I suddenly noticed something else about Dandy that didn’t sit well with me: By this time, we had been friends for two years and yet we had spent time together only a handful of times. And it had been over a year since we had gotten together or even seen each other in person. Not only did we never spend any time together in person, but Dandy also never acknowledged any of my birthdays each year nor did he ever display any concern at all whenever I was seriously sick or injured. He also never gave me any type of compliments. That’s just NOT how real friends treat each other, and I quickly noticed it. Now I know that it’s quite possible for friends to go for long periods of time without seeing each other due to busy schedules and just life in general, but I had invited Dandy to get together and catch up numerous times and each time he either declined, ignored, or evaded the offer. And I knew it wasn’t because he was busy and didn’t have the time to get together with me again, because his Facebook wall was constantly covered in photos and tags of him out and about around the city partying it up with lots and lots of different people. Nope, I had the distinct feeling that he was singling me out and avoiding me in person….despite the fact that he seemed to be completely obsessed with me through Facebook. For what reason he might have been avoiding in-person contact with me, I had no idea. But I felt it was VERY strange that he claimed to “know everything about me” and referred to me as one of his favorite friends, yet he didn’t seem to want anything to do with me in person outside of Facebook anymore.
I ran into our mutual friend Brandon one night and mentioned this to him, and he absolutely agreed with me that it was quite strange and wrong for Dandy to be talking to me every single day on Facebook and claiming to be such good friends with me while refusing to have anything to do with me in the real world. So I decided to point this out to Dandy and inform him that I no longer felt comfortable being friends with him if he did not want to associate with me in person outside of Facebook anymore. And like a true Narcissist, he hemmed and hawed, tried to dance around the issue, and tried to twist it around and make it seem as if I was being an angry, irrational person simply for expecting someone who called themselves my “friend” to actually BE a friend to me and have something to do with me outside of online social media. Dude, REAL friends actually make an effort to see each other in person once in awhile. So either we are real friends or we aren’t, it’s not that difficult of a concept to understand.
Dandy made one excuse after another about how “busy” he was and how I never invited him to do anything, which wasn’t true. And I could clearly see how “busy” he was gallivanting around with other people he barely knew all the time, since my Facebook news feed was full of photos of him hanging out with other people around the city. Something about all of this gave me the impression that Dandy was ashamed to associate with me in person because he thought I was “beneath” him due to the fact that I’m not some wealthy member of high-society like his family and close friends were. I had already spent my entire life feeling ashamed of myself for not being born into an “elite” family thanks to all of the bullying and bullshit I had endured for 18 years while growing up in my small town in the Midwest, and I sure as Hell wasn’t going to put up with being made to feel less than from anyone else ever again. So I decided to take some action and nurture my own personal needs and boundaries, and the first step was to delete Dandy from my Facebook.
Now at this point, I should mention that Dandy had over 2,500 Facebook friends, and many of them were either complete strangers or people he had only met once or twice before. He would accept friend requests from literally ANYONE, even when it was obvious that some of these Facebook profiles he was friending were spambots, trolls, and other weird stuff. He would also send unsolicited friend requests to numerous random people he stumbled upon on Facebook even though they were complete strangers. He was also a huge Tinder addict and often bragged that he had over 600 matches on Tinder. Seriously, WHO has that much free time to swipe through 600+ Tinder profiles all the time, especially when he had a busy job as an attorney?!? It all gave off a very strong impression to me that he was just trying to build up a huge online audience for himself so that he could attract more and more attention for himself. He seemed to thrive on people “liking” his posts on Facebook and receiving praise and admiration from as many people as he could whether he knew them or not. And that was just very unappealing to me and made me view him in a less favorable light.
Later on after I began learning all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned that this is actually very typical behavior for Narcissists. This large group of followers and admirers they build up for themselves is called a “Narcissistic harem”, and it’s one of the main ways for them to obtain Narcissistic Supply (attention, validation, admiration) from as many people as possible. A Narcissistic harem usually consists of ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, ex-spouses, potential girlfriends/boyfriends, people wishing to become the next girlfriend/boyfriend of the Narcissist, friends, relatives, co-workers, and anyone else the Narcissist knows and can glean Narcissistic Supply from. A Narcissist needs and demands constant attention and admiration, so he collects and accumulates people in the same way that a hoarder collects and accumulates things. I slowly began to see this for myself, and I wanted no part of it. If Dandy wanted to build a harem of thousands of people to give him constant attention, then he was free to do so….but I sure as Hell had no intention of being just another random person among his 2,500+ collection of Facebook friends.
I didn’t tell Dandy that I unfriended him on Facebook, I just quietly did it. And I knew it was the right thing to do, because I immediately felt better once I did it. The other reason why I chose not to mention anything about it to Dandy was because I was also kind of curious to see how quickly it would take him to realize I had deleted him. It seemed like Dandy kept an obsessively close watch on my Facebook profile and activities, so this also acted as a test to show me just how closely he was monitoring me.
It took Dandy less than 30 minutes to discover I had unfriended him on Facebook.
Let me remind you that Dandy had over 2,500 Facebook friends, so that proved he was keeping a very close eye on me if he was able to notice one person out of 2,500 unfriending him that quickly.
What followed after that was 12 hours of badgering me about why I had unfriended him on Facebook and begging me to re-add him. Twelve fucking hours. Over a Facebook unfriending. You have got to be kidding me! All I could think was “WHY??? WHY was he making such a dramatic fuss over being deleted on Facebook by someone he had not seen in over a year and whom he obviously didn’t feel it was a priority to ever make an effort to spend time with?? WHY would someone who never spent any time with me anymore, never acknowledged any of my birthdays, and never gave me a compliment be so upset over me deleting them on Facebook??? And WHY was he so upset over being unfriended by someone he clearly thought was a fuck-up and a failure who apparently couldn’t live a functional adult life without his constant lecturing??” It just didn’t make any sense at all. I even asked him outright why he wanted to be friends with me so badly, and his response was “Because you enrich my life.” Right. I find it hard to believe that I “enrich your life” when you won’t have a thing to do with me in person outside of Facebook, dude. Try again.
Of course, now that I understand how Narcissistic Personality Disorder operates, I understand now that Dandy wasn’t upset about losing me as a friend, because he didn’t actually give a shit about me. He was upset about losing control over me and losing one of his main sources of Narcissistic Supply. When I unfriended Dandy on Facebook, I took away his power over me and took back that power for myself. Narcissists HATE that. Narcissists have no qualms at all about cutting someone out of their life without warning, but no one is to ever DARE to do it to them.
Unfortunately, I did not yet know about NPD at that time, so Dandy was able to suck me back into his harem through begging, bargaining, and Narcissistic charm. This is what’s known as “hoovering” in the NPD survivors community. Hoovering is when a Narcissist bombards you with positive attention, apologies, praise, etc. in order to lure you back into their trap.
After 12 hours of hoovering, I relented like a wuss and accepted Dandy’s friend request on Facebook. But I wasn’t happy about it, and after a few days of the same old weird behavior from him, I deleted him again. But this time I blocked him on Facebook so that he wouldn’t be able to hound me about it. When Dandy saw that I had once again deleted him and even blocked him this time, he was PISSED. And now his flying monkey friends and relatives were descending on me in a fury, yelling at me and lecturing me and telling me what a horrible, mean, and immature person I was for deleting and blocking Dandy on Facebook, how much I was “hurting” Dandy by blocking him, and urging me to “just get over it and let him back into my life”. You can’t possibly be serious….I was “hurting” him by unfriending and blocking him on Facebook when he refused to have anything to do with me in person anymore and spent the majority of his time lecturing me and making me feel as if I were too stupid and incapable of living my own life??? Why should I feel bad for cutting someone like that out of my life who obviously didn’t want to be part of my life outside of Facebook??
Some of Dandy’s friends deleted and blocked me “out of solidarity for Dandy”, so some of the trash took itself out. Good riddance, creepers!! But the rest of them upped their creepy surveillance of me to even higher levels. Since Dandy was no longer able to see my Facebook account, he commissioned his friends to keep an eye on my online activity for him and even send him screen shots of my Facebook wall every day. He would often text my phone and mention something I had posted on my wall even though he was no longer able to see it himself. If I went out somehwere…anywhere at all…Dandy always knew about it because his friends made sure to tell him if I posted anything about going somewhere. He also had his friends relay messages from him to me in order to constantly remind me how upset he was that I had unfriended and blocked him on Facebook. Below is one of many examples of how I came to realize that Dandy’s friends were regularly sending him screen shots of my Facebook posts and activities and relaying messages and comments from him to me:
After a week or two of nonstop badgering, I finally relented and unblocked Dandy on Facebook. But I refused to re-add him as a friend. Once he realized I had unblocked him, which didn’t take very long at all for him to notice, Dandy began doing every little thing he could think of to pester me and get my attention. He would send me multiple friend requests on Facebook Every….Single….Day. He would literally send me a friend request, then cancel that friend request and immediately send me another two or three times a day. And every day he would go through his public photos and posts and “like” one of my old comments so that the notification of it would appear on my own account. He did everything he could think of that would generate a notification on my own account in order to get my attention on him. He even fiddled with the privacy settings on his account and hid all of the photos of him tagged with random women in order to appease me into being Facebook friends with him again. It was nonstop and absolutely exhausting….mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting.
I just did not understand why he was putting so much energy and effort into trying to keep me in his life when he never wanted anything to do with me in the real world outside of online social media. For Christ’s sake, the guy refused to even make a move and touch me regardless of how hard his friends pushed him to and even after I relented and decided to give the guy a break by offering myself to him in order to help him get past his shyness with me! That issue alone puzzled me. As a 30-something year old heterosexual woman, I had never before in my entire life dealt with a (supposedly) heterosexual man who lavished constant attention on me yet refused to even touch me…ESPECIALLY when basically offered to him on a silver platter. I’m quite used to having men hit on me and think lustful thoughts about me. Even many of my male friends who are in relationships or even married still let it be known that they look upon me in a sexual way!! I have several platonic male friends right now who would jump my bones in a second if I ever gave them the green light to do so. So a single guy who was always showering me with attention yet couldn’t bear to touch me was a huge red flag for me.
Despite the fact that he could not bear to touch me, Dandy seemed to cop an attitude when he learned that I, too, had joined Tinder. Although it was perfectly fine for him to accumulate over 600 matches on Tinder to use as Narcissistic Supply, he didn’t seem to like the idea of me using it to meet other people. Just a few days after I signed up for Tinder, Dandy sent me this message through Facebook:
And if THAT wasn’t weird and creepy enough, then listen to THIS: While I was on a first date with one of my matches from Tinder, the female bartender/server who was taking care of us looked at me and said, “You’re [my name], aren’t you?” This caught me off guard, because I had never been to this particular restaurant before nor had I ever met this woman before. I politely asked her how she knew me, and she replied, “Your friend Dandy comes in here a lot, and he showed me your Facebook profile and your picture. He said that you’re really funny and that he really digs how you always speak your mind on Facebook.”
You have GOT to be kidding me. The same guy who wants nothing to do with me outside of Facebook and has some type of repulsion towards me that keeps him from being able to touch me is going around town showing my picture to everyone he knows and telling them how funny and cool he thinks I am??? I have no words for this. And when I mentioned to Dandy that the server at the restaurant recognized me because of him, his response was “I have eyes and ears all over town, JR!” Scary.
When the constant badgering and creeping on my Facebook account didn’t succeed in convincing me to take Dandy back as a Facebook friend, Dandy changed tactics by placing all of the blame on me and claiming that I dumped him as a friend and blocked him on Facebook because I was “crazy”, and that me being “crazy” was the reason why he never spent time with me in person anymore. Gee, how original….a man blaming a woman for his own creepy fucked up behavior by calling her “crazy”. But I wasn’t about to let this asshole manipulate the situation and get his way by trying to gaslight me into thinking I was the crazy one here, so I simply told him, “If you think I’m crazy, then that’s all the more reason why we should not remain friends nor have anything to do with each other. You shouldn’t want to have anything to do with me if you believe that I am crazy.” Of course, his next tactic was to immediately backpedal and tell me “But being crazy is a GOOD thing, JR! It’s what makes you unique and interesting, and that’s what I like about you.”
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!? First you laugh at me and tell me and everyone else that I’m “crazy” and “nuts” because I don’t want to be friends with you anymore after you and your friends made my life Hell by constantly lecturing me and tearing me down, and now you’re claiming that me being “crazy” is a GOOD thing because it makes me “unique and interesting” to you….while at the same time supposedly causing you to not want anything to do with me in person outside of the internet??? Jesus Christ, I’m starting to think that YOU are the crazy one here!!! Pick a lane and stay in it already!!
When gaslighting me into thinking I was the crazy one didn’t work, Dandy once again shifted tactics and tried to appease me by finally inviting me to hang out with him in person again. I was already downtown that night on a date, so when that ended I walked down the street to the bar where Dandy was with a few of his friends. None of these friends were any that I had ever met before, and none of them were Facebook friends with me, either. Dandy had a homely looking lesbian Brazilian girl as his “date” that night, which I found very odd. I knew this girl was a lesbian, because she kept pulling me aside to tell me which women she was attracted to and wanted to take home to sleep with. Nice. Another female friend of his pulled me close to her after Dandy introduced us and told me, “You and Dandy really need to get together as a couple.” Ummmm yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen, lady! Throughout the hour or so that I was there with Dandy, I noticed he was drunk (as usual) and he kept pulling me up next to him and kissing me all over my head and face just like he used to do after we first met. Then he gave his phone to someone, grabbed me and placed my arms around his body, and told them to take a picture of us. I noticed that Dandy’s phone was full of photos of him posing with women, and when I saw the photo he made me take with him, it looked so obvious that he was using me as a prop.
Dandy’s invite didn’t succeed in making me rush to rekindle our online pseudo-friendship again. By that time, I had dealt with enough of his crazy bullshit, and interacting with him in person again that night only reinforced my gut feelings that something was seriously OFF about him. But the final straw that broke the camel’s back and forced me to completely cut him out of my life forever wasn’t something that he did to me….it was something that he did to someone else: As if this story couldn’t get any crazier and weirder, Dandy developed an obsessive fixation on one of my MALE friends and began creeping on him, too.
This fixation on my friend Hollan actually began several months before Dandy and I began to have our difficulties with each other. Hollan, who is a close friend of my ex-boyfriend, is a frequent commenter on my Facebook wall. Despite my romantic history with his close friend, Hollan and I are still pretty tight. So after Dandy began watching me like a hawk on Facebook 24/7, it didn’t take him long to notice Hollan’s frequent presence on my wall and our comedic banter between each other.
It started one day when Hollan messaged me and said, “Your friend Dandy sent me a friend request. What’s that all about?” I was half surprised and half amused when I heard this, because once again it proved that Dandy was paying very close attention to who I was keeping in contact with. I told Hollan to do whatever he felt was best about it. So before accepting Dandy’s friend request, Hollan decided to feel him out and see if he could find out what Dandy was up to. At first, Hollan just sent Dandy a short message asking him why he had sent him a friend request. He got no response.
Determined to find out what this weirdo was up to, Hollan sent him another message a few days later asking him the same question. And this time, Dandy responded.
I find it very interesting that Dandy had to mention me when Hollan asked him why he sent him a friend request and if they knew each other. Dandy could have easily made up any other excuse without mentioning me. But the fact that he did just shows that his online solicitation of Hollan had something to do with me….which was sinister. At this point, Hollan decided to go ahead and accept Dandy’s friend request. I suggested to him that he should do so in order to see what he was up to. Then a few days later, Dandy messaged Hollan and began questioning him about how he knew me and telling Hollan how “interesting” he thought I was.
I won’t bother to post all of the screen shots Hollan sent me of that conversation, but Dandy went on to interrogate Hollan over my long-ago break up with my ex-boyfriend, which was NONE of his business and thankfully Hollan gave him very few answers or information. Although my relationship with my ex ended before I even met Dandy and Dandy had never met, spoken, nor knew my ex in any way, he somehow knew my ex’s full name and would often ask me questions about him and try to pry into the details of our past relationship….for what reason, I have no idea. Probably to just be nosey and try to find out more information about me, I’m sure.
Over the next few months, Dandy began trolling Hollan’s Facebook activity just as hard as he trolled mine, and he would often ask me weird, personal, unsolicited questions about Hollan such as “Is Hollan deaf?“….”Is Hollan diabetic?“….What does Hollan think of the fact that I make you upset?“….”Why does Hollan hate me so much?“…and so on. That last question was due to the fact that Hollan quickly began to grow annoyed and creeped out by Dandy’s weird behavior towards the both of us and would delete Dandy from his Facebook whenever I did. And whenever Dandy would pester me by sending me multiple friend requests over and over for days at a time, he would also pester Hollan by doing the same to him. Despite not knowing Hollan at all and never having met him, Dandy would become upset whenever Hollan would delete him from Facebook or ask him to leave him alone, and he would come whining to me about it asking “Why does Hollan dislike me so much? I just want to maintain a friendship with him.” Dude, it’s fucking FACEBOOK and you don’t even know the guy. Get a fucking life and leave the poor guy alone already, you fucking weirdo!!!
Dandy’s obsessive interest in Hollan became weirder and weirder. And just as he and all of his friends had done to me, Dandy began to criticize and lecture Hollan, too. Except Dandy didn’t have the balls to pull that shit with another guy knowing he would get his face kicked in for doing so, so instead he would complain about Hollan’s supposed shortcomings to ME.
This weird fixation on my friend Hollan culminated in a VERY WEIRD and CREEPY Facebook message exchange between the two of them that caused me to finally cut Dandy completely out of my life for good. According to Hollan, Dandy had been pestering him and had sent him yet another Facebook friend request after Hollan had deleted him. And this time Hollan decided to have words with Dandy and set his ass straight. Hollan didn’t have the patience to screen capture the entire conversation and send it to me, but he did copy and paste the entire conversation to me. I can honestly say I have never seen anything as weird and creepy as this conversation in my entire life. I have never in my life heard of a grown man getting so upset and begging and pleading with another man to be Facebook friends with him. I can see a young teenage girl doing this, but definitely NOT a grown 30-year-old attorney!! Read it for yourself:
Hollan: Do you harass everyone that deletes you 3x?
Dandy: Seeing as only JR and you have done so….I suppose, yes.
Hollan: Somehow I doubt that.
Dandy: Why would you doubt that? 1) I aim to keep my social media rolodex robust. 2) I think you’re a riot. 3) ……
Dandy: Come on guy, just let it happen.
(At this point Dandy sent a picture of Jim Carey pressing his nipple against the jail window from the movie “Cable Guy”)
Hollan: I already have enough people on my friends list that I don’t know in real life that annoy the shit outta me as it is. Thanks, but no thanks.
Dandy: I also notice that our online friendship correlates directly to whether I’m in JR’s good graces or not. And also, how do I annoy the shit out of you, serious question?
Hollan: I tend to hold loyalties to certain individuals and sometimes their lives overflow into mine, so yes, deleting you was partly due to her being my friend. As for your question, you seem like an intelligent individual and have an education, but some of your shit just does not make sense at all. I don’t know where your “sense of humor” comes from, but most of the time sounds like you’re on some sort of mind altering substance and honestly… just makes you look like an idiot. More than a handful of people are curious how you make it through everyday life and don’t get hit by a truck. Please refrain from sending me anymore messages or friend requests. It’s really unnecessary.
Dandy: Alright, allow me to retort
Hollan: Go ahead.
Dandy: But first, where does the hostility come from? You seem to be an awfully angry, conflicted individual. Why?
Hollan: I don’t put up with idiots, assholes, or ignorance and there’s far too much of it in the world. Now give me your “retort” or go away.
Dandy: Right, you seem like a dude who’s constantly in battle. You’re angry at everyone yet no one in particular. Nonetheless, you are a decent writer by social media standards and it’s fun to read caustic people writing caustic things; you cast this “me against the world; fuck what everyone else thinks” persona yet you’re awfully prolific on here, which leads me to believe that you care a lot about what people think. Further, like most aimlessly passionate, melodramatic people, you’re especially sensitive to people who joke around with you. You’re great at being the hammer and you suck at being the nail. You put lots of folks on blast and rail against the establishment; meanwhile, you’re miserable, angry and believe yourself to be misunderstood. No, you’re not misunderstood. You’re a turd, but an entertaining turd and I enjoy reading your shit while I’m taking a break from work and as for that nondescript “handful of people” (you, JR and whoever else) who wonder why I don’t get hit by a truck, keep holding out hope. In the meantime, I’ll continue living my life, chuckling at you loud, crazy people. You exist for my amusement; stop taking yourself so seriously
Hollan: At least I exist for something for you. Can’t say the same for you in my life. Later.
Dandy: I’m sorry you feel that way; perhaps one day we’ll meet and get on swimmingly, dear friend.
Hollan: Hopefully not.
Dandy: Awww, why not? I hear you’re actually kinda meek and quiet in person which doesn’t surprise me; you seem like the type to bottle things up and run scurrying back to the computer to put the world on blast. Anyways, get well soon and I hope you find peace, dear friend!
Hollan: Quite the opposite. But I have heard (and not from your beloved JR) that you’ve been battling your questionable homosexuality for years. And just an FYI, that’s not a low blow, I’ve actually heard it and it doesn’t surprise me. As you put it before, “just let it happen.” Now, if you’d so politely go eat a bullet.
Dandy: Again with the anger
Hollan: Again, I don’t care.
Dandy: You just told me to politely eat a bullet
Hollan: Yeah, I don’t care. If you want to bother someone with your childish nagging, please go to JR or someone else.
Dandy: Why haven’t you two dated just out of curiosity? You seem very compatible
Hollan: Well, I’m pretty confident everyone knows why you two haven’t dated…
Dandy: Now who’s being childish?
Hollan: I’m just being honest.
Dandy: No, you’re being childish. You don’t know me; you’re flinging hearsay in order to deflect an honest question. I think you two are very compatible and you seem to invest a lot in how she feels. I wasn’t interested and have never been but you appear as though you could be.
Hollan: Again, I ask you to leave me alone, even ask you to eat a bullet, yet you won’t just go away…
Dandy: Call me gay…can’t forget that part. The guy with the serious, grainy selfie and beard pics calling me gay; that hurts, brother.
Hollan: And to answer your question, I was never interested in the first place either. Now, go away.
Dandy: But you remained friends; she couldn’t remain friends with me; hence the vitriol
Hollan: This whole conversation, “annoying as shit.”
Dandy: Sounds good, man. Let me know if you need a job.
Hollan: Already there, “dear friend.”
Dandy: Progress; that’s what I like to see. Keep it up. May you find peace one day, dear friend.
After I read this psychotic conversation for myself, I promptly texted Dandy and gave him the verbal ass kicking of a lifetime. How DARE he stalk and harass one of my friends whom he didn’t even know!!! I warned Dandy to stay the fuck away from me, my friends, and anyone else associated with me and never contact me ever again. On that note, I went through my Facebook and deleted any remaining friends, relatives, or associates of Dandy from my Facebook. What pissed me off even more was the pathetic excuse Dandy tried to give me as his reason for repeatedly harassing Hollan: He claimed that he stalked and harassed Hollan because “he gets really bored throughout the workday and needs something to distract him.” Are you fucking kidding me?!? A grown man and a professional attorney stalking and harassing another man through the internet every day because HE’S BORED AT WORK?!?!? No…..just NO.
At this point, Dandy now knew that I was well aware of his creepy psychotic behavior, and he knew there was no way he could talk or charm his way out of this. He knew I was now completely done with him. And when a Narcissist realizes that their target has figured them out and sees them for what they truly are, the Narcissist’s only course of action at that point is to run and hide and erase the target from his/her life. This is the final phase of the Narcissistic cycle, and it’s called the Discarding Phase. This is when the Narcissist finally removes their mask and lets the target see their true evil self before abruptly erasing the target from his life as if the target never existed. Of course, this is done with the intention of inflicting emotional pain and suffering on the target. However, I was so sickened and appalled by Dandy’s behavior that I WANTED him to leave my life completely. So his discarding of me only brought me relief and peace. Below are some screen shots of the text messages between Dandy and I when I confronted him about his creepy obsessive behavior towards my friend Hollan. As you can see, Dandy knew it was all over at this point, so he removed his mask and finally revealed his true feelings of contempt and disdain towards me, making sure to let me know that he had merely been pretending to be friends with me and using me for nothing more than “entertainment on Facebook” all throughout the two years he had known me.
As you can see from that exchange, every time I told Dandy he was insane and to leave me alone, he would taunt me and refuse to go away, just like he did to Hollan. And those two text messages where he sent me those super long novel-length messages…..I honestly have no idea what the fuck any of that was about. It was seriously just WEIRD and TWISTED. And notice how Dandy went back and forth between telling me I was nothing but a joke and entertainment to him and telling me I was “endearing” to him. And the way he kept calling me “his dear sweet JR” literally sent chills up my spine.
If Dandy’s taunt to me was true that he had been doing nothing more than pretending to me friends with me for the entire two years he had known me JUST so that he and his friends could use me as “entertainment” on Facebook, then that speaks VOLUMES about his level of immaturity and insanity. You know who carries on pretend friendships with people they deem “inferior” to them just so they can subtly abuse them and laugh at them behind their backs? Kids in middle school, that’s who. NOT grown adults in their 30’s who are employed as professional attorneys!!! Dandy’s admission of his true behavior and intentions only made him look more pathetic, juvenile, and insane in my eyes….that is, if it were possible for my opinion of him already to be able to sink even lower.
Dandy’s final “fuck you” following that conversation was to block both me and Hollan from Facebook, Instagram, AND LinkedIn. Halle-fucking-lujah, the crazy ass was finally GONE!!!! And for MY final parting gift to Dandy, I took the liberty of contacting his employer and letting him know how his in-house legal counsel attorney had been spending the majority of his time at work stalking and harassing people online. This was the response I received from Dandy’s boss:
I wasn’t sure if Dandy’s boss was trying to say that Dandy was dismissed from his position at that company in response to me informing them of his daily office conduct online or that Dandy had already left that job before I made the complaint. All I know is that later that day, Dandy actually called the cops on me to complain that I was “harassing” him by making a complaint about his behavior to his boss. OMFG, are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!? What a fucking crybaby!!!! Well I wasn’t having none of that bullshit nonsense, so I simply told the officer that I had every right to complain to Dandy’s employer about his harassing conduct during work hours and hung up the phone. Seeing that Dandy’s boss obviously notified him that I had made this complaint about him, I have to assume that Dandy was terminated and that was why he went into a rage and called the cops on me. Because if Dandy was already no longer working there, then there would be no reason for a boss to contact a former employee who no longer worked for him just to notify him that a complaint had been made about him. No, the only logical explanation is that Dandy was fired after I reported him for his stalking and bullying behavior during his work hours, which he rightfully deserved.
A month or two after I made that complaint and received a reply from Dandy’s boss, I logged into my LinkedIn account and saw a notification that Dandy’s former boss—the same one who had responded to my complaint—had searched for me on LinkedIn and viewed my profile. Why he had gone looking for me online, I have no idea at all. All I know is that it confused me and gave me the creeps.
After two years of studying all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I now know the answers to a lot of Dandy’s odd behavior towards me. The reason why Dandy was never able to hook up with me despite his constant obsessive attention towards me and the constant encouragement and pressure from his friends was because Dandy wasn’t hooking up with ANYONE. Dandy is a Cerebral Narcissist, and one of the core traits of a Cerebral Narcissist is that they HATE sex. They may engage in it when necessary in order to secure new Narcissistic Supply….usually with a brand new target….but other than that they regard sex as a chore and something that is “base” and “primitive” and “beneath them”. Cerebral Narcissists are notorious for withholding sex from their partners and instead prefer to engage in constant masturbation and viewing pornography, since they are infatuated with their own self image and prefer to have sex with themselves rather than other people. Remember how Dandy’s friend Brennan mentioned that Dandy was a porn addict? He wasn’t joking!! Dandy very often talked about how he loved to watch porn all the time. In fact, it was a long-running joke amongst his friends how much Dandy loved to masturbate and watch porn.
Another reason why Cerebral Narcissists like Dandy shy away from sexual encounters is because many of them are closet homosexuals. Again, remember when Dandy’s friend told me that Dandy questioned his sexuality? That wasn’t a joke, either. In fact, the more I observed Dandy’s behavior around me and other women, the more I began to sense a vibe that Dandy was harboring some closet homosexual tendencies. As a heterosexual woman, my “gaydar” is razor sharp. Despite the fact that Dandy often liked to talk about how he regularly got laid, I observed him in the presence of other women when he was out in public socializing at bars and clubs, and there was NOTHING happening. Men like Dandy who are physically attractive, charming, and financially successful have no trouble getting women to hit on them and go home with them at the end of the night. But there was NO action going on with Dandy. He never went home with ANYONE at the end of the night. In fact, I noticed that sometimes he would bring very unattractive women along with him as his “dates” for the night in order to act as a barrier to keep other women away from him. And of course, there was his very strange and creepy obsession with my MALE friend Hollan. And if none of these points are enough proof that Dandy is actually closet gay, then these numerous questionable photos I discovered in his Facebook photo albums of him with other men should put this question to rest:
For the record, these are only A FEW of the borderline-gay photos that Dandy has on his Facebook. There were LOTS more of these types of photos of him kissing other men and grabbing at their crotches and asses for me to choose from. In fact, I wouldn’t even call these photos borderline-gay, this is FLAT OUT 100% gay!!! NO straight guy would ever engage in this much homoerotic behavior. Interestingly, several people who have heard this story have suggested to me that the reason why Dandy’s family and closest friends were so keen on seeking me out on Facebook and pressuring him to get with me was because they all suspected he was gay too, and they were hoping that I would be the one to “un-gay” him. That theory certainly makes sense and is possible!!
The other core trait of Cerebral Narcissists is that they use their education, intelligence, and social standing as a way to draw attention and admiration from others. Dandy had a law degree and was rather intelligent. And I noticed that he often spoke in Sixteenth Century Shakespearean vocabulary AND used legal jargon in everyday casual conversations. NOBODY who is normal talks like this in casual conversation. Lawyers don’t typically speak in legalese with non-attorneys, either. They only speak in legal terms when conversing with other lawyers who understand that jargon. But Dandy would frequently speak in legal terms and use Shakespearean language when speaking to others as a way to flaunt his intelligence and appear smarter and more sophisticated than everyone else. Once I began to notice it, it immediately reeked of pretentiousness to me and everyone else who noticed it, too.
Although Dandy blocked me from every social media outlet there is after my final showdown with him, he still finds ways to check up on me and see what I’ve been up to just like a true textbook Narcissist. A few months after Dandy discarded me, I caught him viewing my LinkedIn profile. He blocked me after viewing it in an effort to cover his ass, but I immediately recognized the notification as him since it listed the name of the law school he attended. Down at the bottom, it also said that the user had located my profile via Google search, meaning Dandy had been Googling my full name and came across the link to my LinkedIn profile in the search engine results.
Holy fucking shit!!! WHY he was Googling my name and what he was looking for, I have no idea. Through my own sneaky sleuthing techniques, I have also discovered that Dandy has been Googling my Instagram username in order to see what photos I have been tagged in and what photos I have commented on. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!!! But according to everything I have read about Narcissists, this is classic textbook behavior for them. Even after they discard you, they will creep back and sneakily check up on you from time to time.
Other than his occasional silent Internet creeping, Dandy stays hidden away from me and avoids me like the plague while badmouthing me to other people and telling them how “crazy” I am, how “badly I want him”, and how “obsessed with him” I was……as if I don’t have a library of hard evidence to prove that it was HIM who was the crazy and obsessive one. And again, this trash-talking is extremely common behavior with Narcissists after they have discarded a target. In order to cover up what they did to their target, the Narcissist will engage in a smear campaign against the target by badmouthing him/her to anyone who will listen.
What I find really amusing is that he somehow knows ESPN sideline sports reporter Britt McHenry, another mega-Narcissist who became infamous in the news a year ago for viciously bullying a towing office cashier right to her face while being filmed. I’m not AT ALL surprised that two extreme textbook Narcissists such as these two would somehow know each other and be buddies. And apparently, Dandy likes to share our old conversations with Britt and the two of them supposedly laugh and commiserate together about how “crazy” I am. WOW….I’m just SOOO flattered that a “BIIIIG A-list superstar” like Britt Fucking McHenry knows about me and thinks I’m a terrible person who “needs psychiatric help”. Because when 98% of the American viewing population thinks you are a snotty Narcissistic cunt and doesn’t want to see your face on television anymore, your opinion of me holds soooo much value to me. LMAO!!!
And apparently, Dandy’s older sister and some of his friends have bitched and complained to him about how I had the nerve to ask them why they were creeping on me on Facebook and tell them to stay away from me. Dandy’s sister even went as far as to block me on both Facebook and Instagram, which I wasn’t even following her on, as if I were somehow the predator instead of her and all of Dandy’s other friends and family who were creeping on me for years. Well HERE’S a hot piece of advice for you crazy dumbasses: If you’re going to throw a fit when the strangers you stalk and creep on notice your behavior and call you out on it, then maybe you SHOULDN’T STALK AND CREEP ON TOTAL STRANGERS, ya think????? For fuck’s sake, you don’t go stalking and creeping on people and then throw a hissy fit and try to play the victim when they tell you to stop creeping on them. Unfortunately for Dandy, he’s not fooling everyone with his trash talk about me. Too many other people witnessed his behavior back when he was creeping on me, and three of his own close friends have told me that Dandy was obsessed with me and that there is something mentally wrong with him. HA!!
If Dandy is as smart as he thinks he is, then he will continue to stay far away from me. And I know damn well why he already does. It’s because now he knows that I have uncovered him and I know what he’s really all about. Dandy knows that I have him and his disorder completely figured out. He knows that I know he is a Narcissist, he knows that I understand how he operates, and he knows that I know he is closet gay. One of the biggest fears of a Narcissist is having their true self uncovered and revealed, and they will run away and hide like cowards from anyone who can see the real them underneath their fake facade. Dandy goes through life fooling everyone around him into thinking he is this highly intelligent, charming, witty, lovable goofball who likes everyone and would never hurt anyone. But I’ve seen and experienced the REAL side of Dandy, and he doesn’t want me to reveal his true self to other people for fear that they will turn away from him and deprive him of his precious Narcissistic Supply. But unfortunately for him, he can’t stop me from sharing with the entire world the story of what he and his followers did to me. Dandy once warned me that I could never “publicly put him on blast without looking like a crazy lunatic”. Well we will just see about that….
Despite all of Dandy’s projection onto me that I was a failure who couldn’t function at even the most basic level of life, the only person here who was truly a non-functional failure was HIM. At 31 years old, Dandy still lives at home with his parents, he can’t handle his drinking and keeps getting into legal trouble because of it, he can’t hold down a steady law career, and he lives every day of his life as a lie while hiding the fact that he is gay. Meanwhile, I live in my own home, I have no substance dependency issues, and I am secure and open with my identity and my sexuality. The reason why Dandy and other Narcissists like him target and abuse people like me is because they KNOW they are pieces of shit and they project all of their inner misery, frustration, and self-hate onto other people who are secure with themselves. Dandy no doubt has some serious issues, and some day soon they will implode and cause major problems for him. According to all of the literature I have read on Narcissists, they target people who are intelligent, successful, kind, emphatic, unique, and comfortable in their own skin. I am my own weird unique self, and I stick out like a sore thumb amongst most other Floridians, so it’s easy to see why Dandy zeroed in on me as a target. I may not have the social status and copious amounts of wealth that Dandy’s family has, but I do have one thing that he doesn’t have: I’m happy and secure with myself and my own identity. And deep down, I think he envies that.
So there you have it, this is the frightening tale of how I became acquainted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As horrible as this entire ordeal was, the one silver lining from it was that it lead me to discover the exact mental illness that my biological mother had and enabled me to finally understand her odd behavior and learn how to handle it. And due to my experiences with Dandy and all of the information I have read and learned about NPD, I am now able to very quickly recognize the characteristics of NPD in other people and avoid them before they have the chance to make me their next victim. I apologize for the super long length of this blog piece, but there was just SO much insanity that had to be included in this story in order for the readers to feel the full effect of what I felt when I was going through it. If you have any comments or questions about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, feel free to post them in the comment section and I will answer them.