The other day, my fellow childfree friend Rachel and I were talking and rolling our eyes about the intrusive, rude, and hateful remarks we sometimes receive from people simply because we don’t have any kids. Apparently you can be an unwed sixteen year old mother or have a bunch of kids by different men that you can’t afford to support, and yet people will still glorify you for it simply because you’re a “mother”. But if you dare to make the informed decision to have NO kids at all, then suddenly everyone thinks it is their Divine Right and Duty to question you about it and tell you how wrong and evil and selfish you are and how your life has no purpose or meaning at all. Well here’s what I have to say in response to that….
Back when I lived in the rural Midwest where women are expected to be married with 2-3 kids by the time they are at the ripe old age of 23, I used to hear this Dark Age bullshit from people all the time telling me that I HAD to “hurry up and find a man and have kids before it was too late”….as if my own path in my life was any of their business at all. By the time I was only 27 years old—yes, TWENTY SEVEN—some people were already telling me that I was “infertile” and “too old to have kids”. One crazy hillbilly breeder even made a webpage that was all about me and my “rotten eggs” and how I “would never get to know the joy of having a child to call my own” like she did….even though the only reason she pooped out a kid was to make sure the scumbag guy she had recently gotten together with didn’t leave her.
Yep, apparently my internal reproductive organs and their functions are SOOOOOO important to other people that they feel compelled to make webpages discussing them. Seriously, that is BEYOND psychotic, and any “mother” who has enough time on her hands to create and maintain a webpage about my internal body organs obviously isn’t spending much of her abundant free time taking care of her child and enjoying “the joys of having a child to call her own”. Another once called me a “spinster” and thought she was an expert on gynecology and fertility just because she was a nurse. She actually tried to convince me that it was “too late” for me to ever have children—without pausing to consider whether or not I even ever WANTED to have any kids—because apparently your fertility completely ends the minute you reach your 30th birthday. Jesus Christ, anyone who is THAT stupid and can’t be bothered to consult actual medical research that was conducted at any point AFTER the 1800’s should have their medical license revoked. Again, here’s all I’ve got to say to that….
Fortunately, one of the good things about living in SoFla is that nobody cares about anyone else or what they do with their lives. In fact, there is a very strong anti-natalist attitude in this region that makes the vast majority of people around here strongly against the idea of having the cliche married-with-kids-in-the-suburbs type of lifestyle. So while everyone up in the Midwest viewed me as an evil, selfish, ungodly Destroyer of the Moral Fabric of Society for not wanting to sit at home and fart out baby after baby, everyone here in SoFla thinks I’m pretty fucking awesome just the way I am. The only ignorant remarks I ever receive anymore come mostly from random strangers from around the country who happen to notice my Facebook profile when I post comments on popular news stories, look through my profile and photos and deduce that there are no children, and then get their panties into a twist over it for some unknown reason. The remaining remarks come from a handful of people back home in the Midwest who just can’t seem to accept the fact that I’m not having kids and get over it….as if it were any of their business in the first place.
First of all, let me point out the most obvious fact here that most people don’t seem to see: When you stick your nose into other people’s biological reproductive decisions and situations and make a big stink about it, you are literally obsessing over someone else’s vagina or penis and what they are doing with it. Any why in the Hell would anyone WANT to obsess over someone else’s genitals and internal body organs????? Don’t you realize how CREEPY, SICK, and PERVERTED that is???? Is my own vagina and what goes in or comes out of it of such interest and importance to other people that it requires making a webpage devoted to it???? It makes me seriously start to wonder if we don’t have a society full of creepy perverts who can’t stop thinking about other people’s genitals. How strange it is to be a woman in a world where everyone seems to be obsessed with your vagina: what you are doing with it, who you are letting into it, what babies you are expelling out of it, whether you are trying to stop babies from coming out of it, etc. Oh, and when you reduce me to nothing more than my uterus, you are no different then the creepy men who look at women as nothing more than a piece of meat.
Second, this whole idea that women who choose not to have children are “selfish” is absolutely ridiculous. And as someone who has extensive experience with Women’s Studies, I can tell you exactly where this ridiculous notion comes from. It stems from the age-old attitude that women’s only purpose in life is to bear children and take care of family and everyone else around them while always putting their own needs and desires last. Women are “supposed” to be nurturing and caring to everyone else around them and always be at everyone else’s beck and call for whatever they need. That’s why so many wives and mothers often admit to feeling guilty for wanting to take time for themselves, because they’ve been taught that they are supposed to always be there to serve everyone else. Therefore, if women’s only purpose for living is to take care of children, husbands, other family members, etc., then we are considered “selfish” for shirking those “duties” and wanting to live our own lives on our own terms.
Of course, anyone who can think logically and views women as equal human beings deserving of our own dreams and goals can see that is utter hogwash. It also makes no logical sense whatsoever. In order to be selfish, someone else must be harmed or put at a disadvantage. If a woman has no children, then who is being harmed by her decision not to have any kids? No one. If she has no existing children, then there are no children to be harmed or disadvantaged by her “selfishness”. On the contrary, women who DO have children and neglect their kids in order to focus on their own desires ARE being selfish and are harming their children. There are also women who purposely have children for all the wrong reasons, including wanting to trap a man into marrying them or staying with them, wanting to have someone around to take care of them when they get older, and wanting to “have someone who will always love them” or “have a smaller mini-me version of them”. Now THAT is selfish!!!
In addition to apparently having some weird type of mental disorder that makes them obsess over other people’s genitals, there’s another reason why people with children loudly insist that everyone else must have them, too: Unhappiness.
Based on various research studies I’ve read and the things I’ve heard parents say over the years, I have to conclude that A LOT of parents aren’t 100% happy raising kids. I suspect that many of them later found out the hard way that having kids isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s very expensive to properly raise children these days, and most people don’t have a lot of disposable income anymore thanks to our shitty economy and the disappearance of the middle class. Children can wreak havoc on romantic relationships and physical/mental health. A lot of women have their bodies and health ruined by pregnancies and childbirth. A lot of people also have children not because they truly want them, but because of societal pressure and the belief that having kids “is just what you do when you reach a certain age”. They follow the crowd and bow to pressure instead of stopping to really think about what THEY personally want for themselves and their own lives. And you don’t have to be a genius to figure out that people who have kids simply because they thought it was something they “had” to do aren’t very satisfied or happy with the results.
If you look at the latest research data, you will find that over half of all pregnancies in the United States are unplanned….meaning they are accidents. That means that the majority of children in this country were born to parents who either didn’t really want to have kids or ended up having them before they were fully ready, and that has a definite effect on the happiness and stress levels of their parents. And while a lot of parents do love their children that weren’t planned for, it still affects their overall level of happiness and satisfaction with being a parent. Logically, the happiest parents would be the ones who carefully planned the conception of each of their children and were fully prepared for them in every way. But even those parents can still later find that having kids may not be as enjoyable and fulfilling as they expected it to be.
I strongly suspect that a lot of parents—particularly the ones who get so butthurt over the fact that I don’t have kids—look at other people who are childfree and have more disposable income and freedom to do whatever they want, and they become jealous and resentful over it. Why else would they get so overly worked up over something so personal and private that does not concern or affect them in any way at all?? I remember years ago when I used to travel to Florida by myself for vacation once a year, and some of the young mothers back home would completely lose their shit over it. They would usually accuse me of lying about going on vacation and insist that my vacation photos were just pictures that I had “stolen from the Internet and used as my own”. Other times they would scoff and insist that I was “just mooching off of family members who lived in Florida” (even though I didn’t have any family at all living in Florida) and that it “took my entire savings just to afford a coach plane ticket” to get to Florida because I was “so broke poor”. All this vitriol just because they could not stand to admit the fact that I had way more disposable income than they did due to the fact that I didn’t have any kids to support. And even after I actually moved to Florida, they STILL insisted on maintaining the delusion that I was merely “pretending to live in Florida” because they could not stand the fact that I had the freedom and ability to just pick up and move anywhere I wanted to without worrying about children or being stuck in one place for years due to having to share child custody with a divorced spouse or baby-daddy. As the old saying goes, “Misery loves company”, and if these “happy Mommies” feel compelled to go to such lengths to continually rant and rave that someone else is “pretending” to go on vacation or live somewhere else, then I’d say they are clearly pretty fucking miserable!!
Those people see me being totally free to do whatever I please without being burdened by the responsibilities and expenses that they are, and so they try to pressure and bully me into having kids so I can be trapped and unhappy and stressed out just like them. And sadly, some of them have been so brainwashed into thinking that women can’t have any kind of life outside of bearing and raising children that when they see a woman whose life defies everything they have been taught about women, their brains can’t handle the cognitive dissonance and they just explode. The parents I’ve known who TRULY enjoy having children have never said an unkind word to me or anyone else about not having any kids because they are too busy enjoying their kids to even care whether anyone else wants to have kids or not.
What cracks me up the most are the ones who try to tell me that I’m “jealous” of them because they have kids and I don’t. Uhh…HELLO?! News flash: You can’t be jealous of something you don’t want. And it’s not like I CAN’T have kids, anyway. I’m a sexually attractive woman with an active menstrual cycle that works like clockwork. If I really wanted to have a kid, all I would have to do is grab a guy and have unprotected sex with him a few times and Voila!, I’d be pregnant. But the fact that you DON’T see me out there having unprotected sex with men is a pretty good indication that I’m actively trying NOT to get pregnant.
Of course, whenever I point this out to breeders, they just dumbly retort back that I must be having abortions every month like the “baby-killing slut” that I am. But again, wouldn’t having countless abortions also mean that I DON’T want to have any kids?? And besides, if I’m supposedly a “rotten egged bitch who is too old to get pregnant” in the first place, then why would I have any need for abortions?? As you can see, logic and intelligence obviously aren’t common traits of people who insist on breeding. After constantly hearing completely contradictory accusations from the same breeders that I was an infertile non-woman who desperately wanted to have babies and couldn’t get pregnant yet also had abortions all the time, I finally got fed up and asked them to clarify which one I was, infertile or a baby killer, because it logically couldn’t be both. But of course, their answer was “You’re BOTH!!!” Apparently some breeders are completely fucking batshit crazy insane as well. The fact that THOSE people are breeding scares the fuck out of me. 😳
Recent research data also states that a whopping 47.6 percent of American women between the ages of 15-44 do not have children. That’s very close to HALF of all women being childfree, and at the rate that number is steadily climbing, it won’t be long at all until childfree women become the majority and the norm. The national birth rate is also at an all-time low, with only 62.9 births for every 1,000 women between the ages of 15-44. So if the thought of women not having any kids makes your pants all poopy and makes you want to fly into a psychotic rage at every childfree woman you see enjoying a day at the beach in solitude or enjoying a night out on the town with friends instead of changing diapers and warming up bottles of baby formula, well then you better get used to it quick, because things are changing whether you like it or not! More and more women are simply choosing to forgo motherhood, and all of your ranting and harping and bullying isn’t going to do a damn thing to change that.
My friend Rachel and I are both educated, successful, independent-minded women. She has a great husband, we both have pets that we love and nurture and give loving homes to, and we both hold down successful careers. Neither of us is even sure that we would be good mothers due to our personalities, but we’ve both also decided that if we ever do change our minds about not wanting kids someday, we would prefer to adopt unwanted children in need of a good home instead of adding to the population and ruining our hot bodies with pregnancy and childbirth. And who are we hurting with these personal decisions? NO ONE. Who else are we negatively affecting with our choices to live our lives on our own terms and not have children? NO ONE. Therefore, NO ONE is entitled or welcome to give us their opinion on it. Whether a woman chooses to reproduce or not is NO ONE ELSE’s business.
Contrary to other people’s misguided perceptions of me that I am some lonely, barren, dried-up old hag who hides away from the world pining for the litters of children I’ll never have and counting down the days until the end of my worthless existence, I’m actually doing quite fucking fabulous without having any kids. I live in a beautiful tropical paradise where I get to enjoy year-round summer climate, and I live just a few miles from the beach where I often spend many days relaxing, enjoying the beauty of the sea, and soaking up the sun. I run my own business and am becoming quite successful with it. I love to go snorkeling, boating, and take underwater photographs. I try my best to eat a clean vegan diet and keep my body in tight physical shape, and those efforts—combined with no damage to my body from pregnancy and childbirth along with a lot less stress due to not having any children to be responsible for—have kept me looking at least ten years younger than my actual age. I love to work hard and then splurge lots of money on myself and my home because it makes me feel good and because I CAN. I’m free to pursue whatever fleeting hobby, passion, or goal I might develop. I have the freedom to come and go whenever I please, enjoy peace and quiet whenever I want, and go out and have fun with my friends and meet new people without having to arrange for childcare. I’m a pretty simple person, and as long as I’ve got the ocean, my own home decorated to my own unique specifications, and a closet and drawers full of swimsuits and sundresses from Victoria’s Secret, that’s really all I need to feel happy. I’m about as far as can be from the stereotypical image of a sad, lonely, gray old childless hag that people seem to have of women without kids, and I think that’s part of what pisses people off about me, too.
I don’t need a smaller, younger version of myself running around to make me feel happy or complete. In fact, I don’t really feel any maternal instincts towards human children. I don’t enjoy holding them or playing with them, and I DEFINITELY do not enjoy feeding them or changing their diapers or listening to their whining and tantrums. A lot of people often try to tell me that I would love having kids around to tell me “I love you, Mom!“, but that’s what my pets are for. I already have pets who love me unconditionally and tell me “I love you, Mama!” in their own ways. And really, having Lexi is pretty darn close to having an actual child. She depends on me 100% to take care of her, and I am her entire world. I have to feed her and clean up her poop and puke. I have to spend lots of money taking her to the vet when she needs shots or other medical care. My house is filled with cat toys strewn everywhere. She throws loud tantrums when she wants something or doesn’t get her way. I can’t go to the bathroom or take a bath or a shower without her having to accompany me and be right up in there with me. She wakes me up every morning and howls until I get out of bed, not because she needs anything but because she just simply thinks it’s time for me to get up and start doing things and pay attention to her. She insists on following me around right at my heels everywhere I go. If all that doesn’t sound pretty much exactly like raising a human child, then I don’t know else what does!!
And honestly, Lexi is the closest thing to an actual human child I’d ever like to have. I just honestly don’t think I have it in me to be a really good parent to a real child, and anyone who truly cares about the well-being of children should listen and respect that instead of trying to pressure me into doing something that I KNOW I wouldn’t be good at and could ruin someone else’s life, too. In fact, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I wish far more parents would put even half as much thought into it as I have before deciding to breed kids. But as I’ve already pointed out before, a lot of them unexpectedly got pregnant with their kids before they really even thought about it at all.
So in conclusion, let me just say this to all of the people out there who have made it their business to get all up inside of my body and dictate my reproductive business to me: Get your perverted minds OUT of my vagina and stop trying to push me into having your lives. When you throw hissy fits at me for not having any kids, all you’re doing is wasting your time and broadcasting how unhappy and envious you are of my freedom and happiness. If you think having children is the greatest thing on Earth, then good for you! I hope you’ll have lots of kids and find lots of happiness with it if that’s what you really want. But that kind of life is not for everyone else, and you need to stop being so egocentric and respect that. If you truly love raising your kids, then prove it by focusing on that instead of spending so much of your time gossiping about other people who choose not to have them.
“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” ~Albert Einstein